Coffee Percs

He swiped the last smear of egg yolk from his plate with a piece of biscuit, popped the whole into his mouth, drained his coffee cup to wash it down.  Expelling a satisfied smile, he rocked back in his chair.”
              –Wayne D. Dundee  (Rainrock Reckoning)

Pard, come on in, yur coffee’s sittin’ there waitin’ for yuh.  Help me ponder thru this thought I’ve been ‘restlin’ with.  It’s been on my mind lately, an’ knowin’ yur intellectual prowess I reckoned yuh could help me out.  Why is it that two fried eggs can be satisfyin’ but if’n yuh scramble them yuh have to use four, or at the very minimum three?  It just don’t make no sense, but it’s a fact!  
    I’ve been worryin’ over that issue for a spell.  Better than stewin’ over some of the junk out there.  I wish I had a word to describe more than stupid!  That’s the way the folks are actin’, and they’re gloatin’ over it.  One of the leaders had the gall to be called New York’s finest a bunch of whiners.  Let me tell yuh the facts, son–if’n they’d be allowed to do their job they’d show them that the cow eats the cabbage an’ we’d see you’d be whinin’ then.  More like cryin’ in their slobbers.
    I’m tellin’ yuh, Pard, and I’m sayin’ it straight.  Yuh better be stored up with plenty of ammunition, and not just the shootin’ kind.  Yuh better have plenty of God’s Word hidden in yur heart for if somethin’ doesn’t happen, yuh might be needin’ it along with those lead dietary pills that come out from ol’ Betsy.  Listen, an’ I’ll tell yuh somethin’ else–yuh need to be preparin’ yurself for the worse come November, but always be hopin’ for the best.  Between now an’ then there’s goin’ be plenty of shenanigans happenin’, along with shady deals and accusations.
    Be checkin’ yur guns, be prayin’ in earnest, be saturated with God’s holy Word, be ready for the Lord to appear in the skies.  Now don’t be a-frettin’ none.  Worry will only agitate yur gizzard, an’ I’ve know some to break out in hives.  So don’t be frettin’, just be trustin’ in the good Lord.  Remember, He cares for you!  Oh, and be checkin’ yur cinch when yuh mount up just in cases some of those idjits come after yuh.